What the holidays unwrap about your new relationship
From Artful Dodgers to Big Revealers, the holidays are a stress test for fresh romances. Here are the red – and green – flags to look out for
For those in the ‘honeymoon period’ of a new romance, the festive season can be a strong indicator of whether your relationship has long-term prospects.
Being alert to behaviours that reveal both positive and concerning traits – green and red flags – can tell daters a lot about their partner’s compatibility, according to an eharmony psychologist, Sharon Draper.
“These red and green flags are likely to reveal themselves at this time of year when things get stressful as well as sentimental with Christmas romcoms on high rotation,” she said.
“A good analogy of the holiday environment for new couples is like being popped into a pressure cooker – the relationship must handle increased heat in a condensed amount of time. And like a pressure cooker, the end-result can either be a perfect dish or one that’s destined for the bin.
“There are lots of social events to navigate and you could be meeting one another’s families for the first time. How someone handles themselves when the going gets testy is an important indicator of whether they’re a good long-term prospect.”
Sharon is sharing some relationship red and green flags that might be raised at this time of year.
Money can’t buy love
A gift that’s appropriate to the stage of your relationship and shows the other person understands your style/humour/interests is an immediate green flag.
“During the early stages of dating, the focus of present-giving shouldn’t be on how much they spend (particularly given cost of living challenges), but how thoughtful they’ve been in choosing something that brings you joy or shows they care.”
Some green-flag gift ideas are activities you can enjoy together or something your partner has mentioned in passing that they’d like – a gift that demonstrates listening to, and understanding, the other person.
Consideration, negotiation and having your back with the ‘outlaws’
Juggling family dynamics and commitments can be tough in any relationship, not just recently formed ones.
“If your partner is open to negotiation on how to make the holidays work for all parties, it sets a solid foundation for how you work as a couple and integrate into each other’s lives,” Sharon said.
Offering help to deck the halls
Communication breakdowns can crop up when you’re rushing around trying to get everything done by the holiday season.
“If they ask you what you need and how they can help, rather than just assuming you’ve got it all under control, that’s a definite green flag,” Sharon said. “It indicates they’ll be willing to play their part in dealing with the hustle and bustle of life and sharing the load in the longer term.”
Sharon’s red flags
Great (and clingy) expectations
If you’re in the early days of dating, your relationship should be full of fun and lust – not extra pressure during one of the busiest times of year.
“There’s a lot to do at the end of the year,” Sharon said. “You’re wrapping up work, shopping for presents, going to parties, and trying to see family and friends. You don’t need someone making unrealistic demands on your time. It could be a preview of clingy behaviour to come.
“And if you’re in a relationship, someone always insisting you do things exclusively together can dull the magic and give the impression that they don’t trust you. The red flag has been raised.”
I’m a believer
“This time of year can be a great way to get deeper with someone and find out about their family history, beliefs and values,” Sharon said. “But if someone is trying to force their beliefs, values, or rituals onto you, that signals future issues.
“Likewise, ignoring another person’s values shows a lack of interest or respect and should be considered a potential problem.”
Religious differences don’t have to mean incompatibility. There are many successful partnerships between people of different religions and denominations. If someone has differing fundamental values to you and isn’t open to listening to your perspective, however, that can signal future issues.
Artful dodger
When a partner avoids difficult situations or topics, problems may be left unresolved and escalate into bigger issues. Similarly, being aggressively confrontational is also a big red flag. If your partner can’t communicate in a way that allows the two of you to resolve issues respectfully, calmly, and considerately, it’s red flags all the way.
Being their show-and-tell
If you’re just a couple of dates in and your new companion is pushing hard to debut the romance at the family holiday lunch, maybe think twice. While love at first sight isn’t impossible – as seasonal romcoms confirm – it can also be an indicative red flag.
“It could be they’re desperate to show someone off to their relatives, but relationships that move too fast tend to blow up equally quickly,” Sharon said. “Ask yourself: If it wasn’t the holidays, would I be ready to be introduced to their mum, dad, siblings, and cousins? Trust your gut on whether you need to press pause on meeting the parents.”
Final words of advice
“Australians have it drummed into them from a young age that summer is the time for swimming between the red flags – which is crucial for keeping safe at the beach, but my advice for daters this holiday season is gravitate to the green flags.”
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