Leading family psychotherapist Lissy Abrahams flags increase in conflict and relationship breakdown.
We’re hearing a lot about cost-of-living relief up to the May 9 Federal Budget – but what about relationship relief?
- 64% Australians are stressed and anxious about their financial future.
- 11% of Australians are about $100 in debt after paying their regular monthly expenses.
- 23% of households struggle to get by (choice consumer report) up from 18% last year
- 54% concerned about their level of debt
- 15% believe will struggle to repay it in the future
Source: Mozo
Many families are under acute financial pressures and it’s causing stress, tensions, micro-aggressions, conflict and pain in many homes across Australia.
“It is extremely widespread. Very few Australians are immune,” says Individuals and Family Psychotherapist Lissy Abrahams. “For couples, this is a dominating issue as these stressors are ever present in the relationship. Financial stress is written into every aspect of life as the increases in cost-of-living are across the board – such as rental payments, mortgage repayments, petrol prices, insurance, construction and labour costs, utilities, and groceries. And one’s pay hasn’t increased sufficiently to cover these costs.”
“For couples, these financial stressors can lead to increased tension, fights, and communication breakdown. Couples need to talk about money at various points in the relationship, however for many it’s taking centre stage in their couple dynamic. And the knock-on effect is huge, there can be decreased intimacy, increased feelings of anxiety, despair, isolation, and in some cases full relationship breakdown,” says Lissy.
Lissy Abrahams expertly works in Australia and internationally with couples in private practice, through her Fight Less Love More online course, and through the pages of her standout non-fiction book Relationship Reset.
A mum and step-mum to three kids, Lissy is urging vigilance around the mental health impacts on Millenials and Gen Zs.
“18-30-year-olds are experiencing large amounts of pressure in this current climate. They are incredibly vulnerable to the system, from landlords to employers to changes in the cost of utilities and groceries. Currently, young people are having to contend with dilemmas about which important need to attend to, like ‘How can I get my wisdom teeth out AND pay my rent?’ The upcoming budget will be make or break many of them, as this is a time when many young people would benefit massively from increased financial support/relief,” says Lissy.
“These experiences are also coupled with growing climate anxiety and increased feelings of disillusionment with the current political system to address these problems.”
Lissy’s advice to parents:
Educate yourself: Learn about self-harm, self-abuse, and addiction so you can better understand what your loved one is going through and the available treatment options.
Offer emotional support: Let them know that you care and are available to listen. Be empathetic and non-judgmental and provide a safe space for them to share their feelings and concerns.
Encourage professional help: Gently suggest they speak with a mental health professional.
Lissy works with banks and corporates to help them understand human behaviours over money and issues around financial literacy.
“Last year before inflationary pressures took hold, NAB conducted an interesting piece of research that found that 1 in 3 Australians couples fight about money more than any other topic. You can imagine that this figure would be even higher now with recent inflationary pressures,” says Lissy.
Hardwired for Money Conflicts: What the Science Says
“Physiologically, disagreements and stress over finances between partners is often experienced physiologically as a threat,” explains Lissy. “This sets off a cascading response in the body to either fight the threat or flee from it. In this instance though, the threat is not seen as the financial concerns, but as one’s partner. The partner’s bodies will experience a surge of cortisol and adrenaline, their heart rate and blood pressure increase, and their muscles will tighten. So much happens during a fight and both partners will need time to recover from the fight.”
“Interestingly, research has shown that the pain areas of the brain light up for people who are savers when they spend money. This is because saving represents safety to them. I imagine that the pain areas of a saver would also light up when their partner spends money, and this would make their partner a threat, and would lead to a lot of conflict. The pain areas of the brain do not light up for people who are spenders, as spending money is not experienced as a threat to them,” says Lissy.
On Lissy’s Watch list
Low-income families: These families may struggle to afford basic necessities, have limited access to resources, and face higher rates of unemployment.
Single parents: With only one income they may have limited ability to access childcare or other support services.
Older adults: particularly retirees or those approaching retirement may have reduced savings, limited earning potential, and higher healthcare costs.
People with disabilities: they face higher rates of unemployment, limited job opportunities, and increased financial strain.
Racial and ethnic minorities: Such minorities can be vulnerable as they often have higher rates of unemployment, lower incomes, and reduced access to resources.
Gig economy workers: Individuals, such as freelancers, contractors, or those in temporary and part-time jobs may be more susceptible.
Lissy Abrahams is a Mamamia health expert and appears on Today Show, Morning Show, Studio Ten, Daily Telegraph, Separate Bathrooms (podcast) and Life Matters on ABC Radio ³Ô¹ÏÍøÕ¾.
